Lead Goose
Today, while I was standing outside, I watched the ‘V’ formation of geese fly by overhead. As you probably know, this has been proven to be a efficient way to fly, due to the uplift the goose in front of the others creates.
This struck me as odd. Imagine being that lead goose? She has to work the hardest, to break the wind down for the ones behind her. Thankfully, in nature, they have created a form of relief system that helps them to bear the weight as a group.
As I stand here, feeling like the lead goose, I feel the desire to slip back into the group. My wings are tired, my heart rate has increased, and my ability to break down the ‘wind’ in front of me is lessening. I rack my brain for my ‘gaggle’ that is behind me, the one that will relive me from this position of leadership and strength. I just want a break. I just want to take a minute to go with the flow, to breathe.
It hasn’t felt like this before.
I have not slept, or dreamed.
all I have done is breathe.
sometimes deep, then shallow
a gasp, and silence.
My face is a stream
of emotion and angst
there is nothing inside me that lives
all I hear is tears.
Freeze, we fall
we pray, our foot in the grave
your white horse runs,
from the demon on your back.
she screams
fragment.
You
I can’t believe what I’ve found.
Do you have any idea how much this hurts?
I wish I could be next to you.
But I’m so afraid to get close.
Shit
One thing and I’m down.
The next, I’m up.
You breathe
I fail.
Is that alright?
If I give up
and you show it.
We’re not going to make it
I felt it
the spot that you touched
did I say that I want you
I need to die.
How can a person live
and feel everything
and dream
without crying.
For You
With you
I hold my breath.
There is something about you thats so cold.
but when I’m next to you
underneath you
against you
I feel everything you wont say
You will be swallowed alive by the things you hate
Your heart will go to waste with yourself
Everything you have for them
will go to waste in scum of your life
and whats left will be marks
for the days you remember
I haven’t always been like this
I used to feel.
Little Sister
I can never save you from a man. That thought scares me so bad. I never want you to feel what I’ve felt. I never want you to do what I’ve done.
I can’t even remember all the boys I’ve slept with. I think I could count on one hand the boys who I’ve actually spoken to after.
This wears on a person. There is only so much of yourself you can give away without getting anything back.
Baby girl, please…if you never listen to a thing I say…please just listen to this. Try to save yourself. Don’t give anything away that you can’t take back. Don’t let yourself think you are nothing without a man. It’s a lie. You’re more wonderful then you will ever know.
I know someday it’ll happen. I’ve gone over this conversation in my head a thousand times, and I keep coming back to the horrible conclusion that I was supposed to be the example. I was supposed to be the one to show you how to be confident, and how to show others that. I’ve failed you my love. I’ve done a horrible job of showing you this, and I hope someday you’ll forgive me.
Please darling, please know how much you mean to me. If they don’t love you like I do….they have nothing. Give them nothing.
Smokes.
You are the slowest death
I’ve ever tasted.
There is no depth
to breathe you in
that kills me faster
then this air
I catch on my lips
You are the shell
that someone left
along my way
for shattered thoughts
are always competition
to the carcass
that is your heart
I’ll waste the hours
of my life
to make you my
choice of suicide
if only to be
between my fingers
for a moment
There she goes.
When I woke up this morning…I was thinking about you. So quickly, I sat down for some mind numbing cartoons with the sister, only to break into tears for no apparent reason. Some days are just not meant to be spent awake.
I find myself giving up. Faster now.
