Lead Goose

January 13, 2010 at 7:32 am (Falls apart.)

Today, while I was standing outside, I watched the ‘V’ formation of geese fly by overhead. As you probably know, this has been proven to be a efficient way to fly, due to the uplift the goose in front of the others creates.

This struck me as odd. Imagine being that lead goose? She has to work the hardest, to break the wind down for the ones behind her. Thankfully, in nature, they have created a form of relief system that helps them to bear the weight as a group.

As I stand here, feeling like the lead goose, I feel the desire to slip back into the group. My wings are tired, my heart rate has increased, and my ability to break down the ‘wind’ in front of me is lessening. I rack my brain for my ‘gaggle’ that is behind me, the one that will relive me from this position of leadership and strength. I just want a break. I just want to take a minute to go with the flow, to breathe.

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It hasn’t felt like this before.

December 2, 2009 at 10:13 am (Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.)

I have not slept, or dreamed.

all I have done is breathe.

sometimes deep, then shallow

a gasp, and silence.

My face is a stream

of emotion and angst

there is nothing inside me that lives

all I hear is tears.

Freeze, we fall

we pray, our foot in the grave

your white horse runs,

from the demon on your back.

she screams

fragment.

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You

January 19, 2009 at 7:46 am (Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.)

I can’t believe what I’ve found.

Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

I wish I could be next to you.

But I’m so afraid to get close.

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Shit

January 3, 2009 at 4:30 am (Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.)

One thing and I’m down.
The next, I’m up.
You breathe
I fail.

Is that alright?
If I give up
and you show it.
We’re not going to make it

I felt it
the spot that you touched
did I say that I want you
I need to die.

How can a person live
and feel everything
and dream
without crying.

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For You

November 26, 2008 at 2:59 am (Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.)

With you

I hold my breath.

There is something about you thats so cold.

but when I’m next to you

underneath you

against you

I feel everything you wont say

You will be swallowed alive by the things you hate

Your heart will go to waste with yourself

Everything you have for them

will go to waste in scum of your life

and whats left will be marks

for the days you remember

I haven’t always been like this

I used to feel.

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The End.

September 29, 2008 at 4:47 am (Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.)

Fuck you.
Fool.

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Or Ever.

September 27, 2008 at 12:06 am (One more game)

Is this real?

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Little Sister

September 11, 2008 at 1:53 am (Somehow I'm never quite repaired.)

I can never save you from a man. That thought scares me so bad. I never want you to feel what I’ve felt. I never want you to do what I’ve done.
I can’t even remember all the boys I’ve slept with. I think I could count on one hand the boys who I’ve actually spoken to after.
This wears on a person. There is only so much of yourself you can give away without getting anything back.
Baby girl, please…if you never listen to a thing I say…please just listen to this. Try to save yourself. Don’t give anything away that you can’t take back. Don’t let yourself think you are nothing without a man. It’s a lie. You’re more wonderful then you will ever know.
I know someday it’ll happen. I’ve gone over this conversation in my head a thousand times, and I keep coming back to the horrible conclusion that I was supposed to be the example. I was supposed to be the one to show you how to be confident, and how to show others that. I’ve failed you my love. I’ve done a horrible job of showing you this, and I hope someday you’ll forgive me.
Please darling, please know how much you mean to me. If they don’t love you like I do….they have nothing. Give them nothing.

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Smokes.

August 12, 2008 at 11:53 pm (In a pack.)

You are the slowest death
I’ve ever tasted.
There is no depth
to breathe you in
that kills me faster
then this air
I catch on my lips

You are the shell
that someone left
along my way
for shattered thoughts
are always competition
to the carcass
that is your heart

I’ll waste the hours
of my life
to make you my
choice of suicide
if only to be
between my fingers
for a moment

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There she goes.

July 31, 2008 at 4:22 pm (Just to say hello)

When I woke up this morning…I was thinking about you. So quickly, I sat down for some mind numbing cartoons with the sister, only to break into tears for no apparent reason. Some days are just not meant to be spent awake.

I find myself giving up. Faster now.

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