A Penny For Your Thoughts
09 May 2011 Leave a Comment
in Having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.
Close your eyes. Stop everything. Don’t even breathe. And then..when the pounding in your head and your lungs is too much, and because you were demanded to take a breath from the pain…think of it. That act, the simple gasp of air you forced into your lungs….that’s it. You can’t make your heart work, you can’t force your muscles to function. The only part of your life you have any control over, is to breathe.
So here I sit…breathing at a rate I’m sure is abnormal for a human, and all I can think is….is this it? Is this the only form of control I can have in my life? I’m at a loss. For so long, I have labored under the delusion that my life was in my control. That the choices I make are what will keep me going or not…and then I lived.
Sadly, I have lived these past years of my life still assuming I just needed to change this descision. I needed to advance here, and stop pushing things so hard elsewhere. But now…where I sit, 23, and not a reachable goal in sight…I can’t help but feel my life as walked on without me.
There is power in words, a power I cannot, for the life of me, harnass. They escape me when I need them the most, and overpower me when I wish they would just leave me alone. And still, they are all I have left to hold on to.
My words, to re-live the things I never knew I would miss. Those years when I knew a mother and a father as one. The years I learned that love was not all that you need. The years of young when my sisters were my bond. We loved so deep, sometimes you couldn’t tell us apart. There was passion in our eyes as we dug through the play clothes box, fire in our hands as we sculpted lives out of sand in moms old kitchen pots.
And then, without thought, nor control, we were all grown up. We went on, to what we thought would be bigger and better things. We found love, and pain all in the same area. And then there was that first big mistake…the one that would haunt you the rest of your life, and then there was that….that boy who showed you love. That father who never gave up on you. The jobs you lost, and the lives who left you.
So, today….I miss you like hell. I miss what I never knew I had. For a minute I can’t breathe, and oddly, it excites me.
With as much passion as my heart will hold, and with my eyes to capacity….I wish, I wish I could do more then just breathe.
